I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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