i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize