oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this hospital has no fireball
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
