I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
