The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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