I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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