My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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