I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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