Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
