if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
