i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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