I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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