You're a womanizer and a bitch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
