if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
