true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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