everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
