he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
