I'm sorry my penis didn't work
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
