i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
