So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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