i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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