I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
