hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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