i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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