You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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