Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
