alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
