1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
