He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
