I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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