toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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