The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
