Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
