She is in my trunk
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
porn star boner night. come get it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
