I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
