So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
