Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
