It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
