My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
