it wasn't lemon gatorade
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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