Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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