Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
