My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
