I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
