Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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