Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
