maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
