I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
