this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Fuck appropriateness.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He passed out mid-signature
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
