Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
