Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
