even my farts smell like vagina
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
