actually, I'm a sock model
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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