May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
