no, he came in my armpit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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