i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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