I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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