My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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