I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
