I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
