I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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